Rain

Finally, it's raining outside, which should wash away all the pollen polluting everything the eye can see (and the nasal passages can inhale).

It's a fitting feeling for a Friday night, because I am more disappointed in someone, a former friend, than I can remember being in quite some time. In some ways I guess I am grieving a relationship that I now think I imagined, rather than experienced. And this "friend" seems oblivious not only to the disconnect in our interactions but to his own dialogue. For instance:

• He shows up twenty minutes late for a drink date he made, then says he has to leave in less than a hour to meet someone else across town. No apologies for late show.
• He bad-mouths a colleague, then tells me the same colleague is setting him up/supporting him through a conference call-for-papers and he intends using that influence.

Sadly, after talking about his recent retirement from a position, there is little exchange of support from him to me. And he wants to talk about a "demonstrated lack of respect" he feels.

I've known this person as a peer, colleague and (I thought) friend for over two decades. I realize it's a lot of show and too little substance, which is terrifically painful somehow.

Don't get me wrong: I love the rain. Would move to Oregon or Washington in a heartbeat... but rain is fitting for this nasty post-meeting sadness.

Sadly, I've already come to expect nothing from this person. So why does he continue to disappoint me, hurt my feelings, break my heart? Perhaps because he is so very oblivious to everything, including what a great friend and colleague I am. Somehow I think he thinks we have a relationship, that I am unaware of his lack of respect or genuine friendship (so he must really think he is clever and I am stupid!).

Perhaps the good news is that I do have hope that he might want a genuine--instead of fake or non-existent--relationship. His loss? Yeah. My gain, by far.